Sometimes all the fancy footwork in the world can be undone by a single word in the ‘wrong’ place. Discover the dangers of letting your ‘but’ get in the way of the dance of communication – and how easily you can avoid it.
Let’s try it on for size:
“I really love your ideas, but we need to think about how we could make them work in practice.”
or…
“I really love your ideas and we need to think about how we could make them work in practice.“
Notice the difference? How did the two versions make you feel?
The difference is tiny – ‘and’ versus ‘but’.
What’s the problem with ‘but’?
A ‘but’ completely negates and undermines the first half of the message. It can leave us not trusting what was previously said.
‘But’ can leave the other person feel like you don’t value what they said and have, perhaps, even dismissed their opinion.
Also, we’re hard-wired to expect bad news after a ‘but’. We’ve all been there:
“Your presentation was great, but…”
“I really liked the main course, but…”
“You played that piece well, but…”
It can produce a physical reaction – usually a tightening in the stomach area.
It’s as though we’re trained to expect (or just fear) criticism, once we hear the word ‘but’. So using it, innocently, when that’s not our intention can backfire. It instantly makes the listener defensive and – in the worst case scenario – can even make them switch off and stop hearing what we’re saying.
What can we do instead?
The easiest way to get out of the ‘but’ habit is to use the word ‘and’ instead.
Want to try it on for size?
“Your presentation was great and…”
“I really liked the main course and…”
“You played that piece well and…”
Notice how, after hearing ‘and’, we’re almost expecting more positive feedback? It completely changes the tone of the communication dance.
How about trying it out for a day, swapping ‘but’ for ‘and’? It won’t take long to notice how much more positive a response you get.
Warning: this simple change could dramatically improve your relationships!
If you get a chance to try this out today, how about letting us know how you get on, via the comments box?
Wishing you a day full of sunshine and laughter,
Namaste,
Clare
